Insulting a Calvinist

The following is based off an exchange from the play Cyrano de Bergerac.

[A synergist gentleman walks into a seminary library and sees a young Calvinist man sitting at a table, reading a book by R.C. Sproul. Recognizing his theology, the synergist approaches the table]

Synergist: “Hey you!”

Calvinist: “Yes sir?”

Synergist: “Your theology…is…uh…kinda stupid!”

Calvinist: “Kinda?”

Synergist: “Well…”

Calvinist: “Is that all?”

Synergist: “Yeah, what else…”

Calvinist: [leaping from the table] “Oh, no, sir. You are too simple. Why, you might have said a great many things. Why waste the opportunity? For example: AGGRESSIVE: I assert that if I were Calvinist, I’d burn myself at the stake! PRACTICAL: How do you find a wife who believes that kind of theology? You must date within your church. DESCRIPTIVE: Your theology is a pile of dung – a hill, even! A hill? Nay, a mountain! INQUISITIVE: Tell me about your sunglasses – do they allow you to see the predestined glow blue? KINDLY: Ah, you love French culture so much that you follow even the least of their theologians. CAUTIOUS: Take care! There are reprobates around every corner! ELOQUENT: When you open the Bible, the saints weep and the angels mourn. DRAMATIC: Calvinism? That is a lie from the pits of hell! SIMPLE: You know, I always preferred the thinking of Hobbes… MILITARY: Beware! The Five Points are a secret code! ENTERPRISING: Ah, monergistic authorship is a hot seller these days… RESPECTFUL: Sir, I recognize that you must be a politician, since you’ve been…well…elected. Or, LITERARY: Is this the wolf sneaking in amidst the flock? These are things you could have said, had you perhaps put as much thought into your insult as you did your theology…but I gather perhaps you had.”

Synergist: “Idiot!”

Calvinist: [holding out his hand] “How do you do, and my name’s Robert…”

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