When I Was a Lad

The following is based off “When I Was a Lad,” from the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta HMS Pinafore.

When I was a lad I did a job search
And got hired in a megachurch.
I’d greet the guests and collect the plates,
And I painted up the outside of our big estate
(He painted up the outside of their big estate!)
I painted those walls to such a nice facade
So now I am an elder in the house of God
(He painted those walls to such a nice facade
So now he is an elder in the house of God!)

As usher boy I became master
So they gave me the job of a youth pastor.
I taught the kids with pre-written scripts,
And I scissored up my hair with insane random clips
(He scissored up his hair with insane random clips!)
All the parents in the church found my hair so odd
That now I am an elder in the house of God.
(All the parents in the church found his hair so odd
That now he is an elder in the house of God!)

In teaching kids I made such a name
That worship leader I soon became;
I played a guitar and wore tight blue jeans
And could hit all the high notes that would make girls scream
(Could hit all the high notes that would make girls scream!)
And the congregation was so impressed with my bod
That now I am an elder in the house of God.
(And the congregation was so impressed with his bod
That now he is an elder in the house of God!)

With carnal music I became such a scoop
That they signed me up with a Christian group.
I dotted the I’s, and I crossed the T’s –
T’was the only cross that I ever did see!
(T’was the only cross that he ever did see!)
But that kind of cross served as the prod
So now I am an elder in the house of God
(But that kind of cross served as the prod
So now he is an elder in the house of God!)

And then it was suggested me
That I go to study for a Th.D.
I always repeated what teachers said,
And I let them do the thinking for me in my stead.
(He let them do the thinking for him in his stead!)
I thought so little, they gave me a nod
By making me an elder in the house of God.
(He thought so little, they gave him a nod
By making him an elder in the house of God!)

Now laymen all, whoever you may be,
If you want your name on a church marquee,
If you aren’t yet labeled by the kids as cool,
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule.
(Be careful to be guided by this golden rule!)
Don’t read your Bibles, and scripture just misquote,
And you all may be wolves in a house of goats!
(Don’t read your Bibles, and scripture just misquote,
And you all may be wolves in a house of goats!)

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