These days, I can’t help but notice that a lot of Neo-Pentecostal and Hyper-Charismatic churches seem to be following a trend – namely, a hyping up of various “anointings.” I’ve heard of “Anna anointings,” “Daniel anointings,” and every other anointing under the sun. These teachings seem to follow the same trend, and it seems like in order to mimic this, you just have to follow these easy steps.
1) Find a Biblical character who did something.
2) Slap the word “anointing” after their name.
3) Tell people God is ready to give this anointing to others willing to emulate this person.
So I propose we teach a new anointing available to the people of God…
That’s right, the Judas Anointing! With this anointing, we’ll be able to start hanging ministries! No, I didn’t mean to write “healing ministries,” you read it correctly the first time, folks – hanging ministries! We need people willing to hang themselves for God, because God isn’t just looking for people willing to feel sorry for their sin, He wants people who are willing to show how angry they are at what they did. So the Holy Spirit is going to raise up people with a Judas anointing to get’r done!
Now I know what some of you are thinking. Some of you might be pointing out that the only person we’re told to emulate in the Bible is Jesus Christ, who was the perfect fulfillment of the Law. Some of you might be pointing out that this essentially introduces works-based salvation where our blessing is dependent upon everything we do. Some of you might be pointing out that no such anointing exists in the Bible, and therefore I’m adding to God’s commands and guilty of moving away from the gospel.
Well, to all you people, I got one response…
DON’T YOU JUDGE ME I’VE GOT A LOT OF FOLLOWERS SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN HELPED I’M A NICE GUY DON’T CRITICIZE IT UNTIL YOU’VE EXPERIENCED IT YOU BIG MEANIE!!!!!!!!1111oneoneone
There, I think I’ve covered all my bases. So in conclusion: let’s get this Judas anointing underway, let’s start up some hanging ministries, and let’s go out there and do what I – I mean – God wants us to do! GO FORTH, MY READERS!
DISCLAIMER: This is satire. If you seriously go out and hang yourself, I’m not responsible.