Elder in God’s House

The following is to the tune of “Master of the House” from Les Miserables.

Pastor
Welcome, brother, sit yourself down
And meet the best church leader around
Don’t heed the news – I’m not a crook!
Come up and see, just come up and look
Seldom will you find
Fancy suits like mine
A smile on my face
With white teeth that shine

Elder in God’s house, easing all your fears
Ready with some stories for your itching ears
Tells a dirty joke, says a racial slur
Congregants appreciate the bad humor
Glad to do the world a favor
Even God’s name they’ll despise
But gospel gets you nothing
For you see, our numbers gotta rise…

Elder in God’s house, shepherd of the ewe
Ready to relieve them of a buck or two
Waterin’ the truth, keepin’ sermons terse
Makin’ shallow lessons from a single verse
Everybody loves my CD’s
My books go flyin’ off the shelf
I’m workin’ in the name of Jesus –
But I’m profitin’ myself!

Congregants
Elder in God’s house, feeding all his flock
Always wants to talk the talk and walk the walk
Poor man to the poor, low man to the low
Fine speaker, theosopher, and pure as snow!
A warrior to help the faithful
A warrior against all doubt

Pastor
But don’t take any photos
Hey you! Security get him out!

Enter brother, sit in this chair
Take off your coat, breathe in some air
These days are hard, oh life’s a curse!
Lighten your yoke – and maybe your purse!
Hear the band play on
It’s our source of pride
Here you’ll be entertained
But not edified

Mixing up doctrine, snatched from all around
Stir it all together and pretend it’s sound
Use the word of God, strip the context bare
Takin’ lots of scripture quotes from here and there
Smoke machine is up and running
Budget’s paid by those who tithed
Reasonable pledges
Plus some little charges on the side!

Fifty for blind eyes, hundred for bad knees,
Triple more for healin’ up your AIDS disease
Thousand for CP, double for your growth
Three thousand for children who are comatose
If you want some holy trinkets
You can bet I even got those
Hey, why should I fear it? Sell the Holy Spirit!
Simon Magus taught me how it goes!

Congregants
Elder in God’s house, feeding all his flock
Always wants to talk the talk and walk the walk
Poor man to the poor, low man to the low
Fine speaker, theosopher, and pure as snow!
He knows how to keep attention
Catches your ear with his hook

Pastor
Can’t afford that Corvette;
Better go and write another book!

Devil
I used to make heretics like a boss
But over time now, seems my silver’s turned to dross

“Elder in God’s house”? That just stings my tongue
“Fine speaker, theosopher” and pure as dung
Brings in quite a crowd, works his Midas touch,
Thinks he’s Billy Graham, but that don’t say much
Use to make wolves with stature, nowadays they’re not so nice
Don’t be too harsh, even I can make a mistake once or twice!

Pastor/Congregants
Elder in God’s house!

Devil
Oh wait, is God here?

Pastor/Congregants
Fine speaker, theosopher…

Devil
When not on beer!

Pastor/Congregants
Poor man to the poor, low man to the low

Devil
‘Til you criticize him, then he’s a total shmo!

Pastor/Congregants
Everybody bless the Good Lord!
Everybody praise our God!

Pastor
Everybody lift your hand!

Devil
Everybody worship man!

All
Everybody start to worship the elder in God’s house!

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