Some of you have probably wondered to yourself: “Just how can I make the internet an even more aggravating place to be in?” Have you ever wondered how you can go to any online forum or form of social media and make your mark in its culture? If you have, just follow these simple tips, and you can have a sure promise of success!
1) Just jump in.
Don’t actually have some background knowledge in what’s being discussed. Don’t do any preliminary research. Don’t even bother reading back and seeing how the thread started or how the conversation began. Who needs to see the flow of thought? Who needs to see if anything’s already been addressed? Who needs to understand another person’s point of view? Just dive in the minute you see a comment or post you don’t like. Don’t respond to the person’s overall view, but what they’re saying right then and there. Make wild assumptions even.
In fact, if you want to get golden points, actually admit what you’re doing. Say something like “I haven’t actually read through the thread, but…”, or “Hey, I haven’t actually read your post, but…” This will give you plenty of legitimacy in the conversation!
2) Break up every half a sentence from the person’s post into countless mini-quotes.
You know what I mean. Don’t just give a full, coherent response to the other person’s post – that would be too easy on the eyes and make discussion easier. Instead, quote the person’s posts, then cut it up into mini-quotes, each between half a sentence or a single sentence long. Yes, I know that he explained that one point a few sentences later, but don’t bother to respond to the context – just respond to what you see in that tiny quote. And when you get to said explanation, don’t acknowledge it – in fact, treat those two quotes as separate ideas!
Remember, if a person doesn’t have to scroll down for a whole minute to read your response, you haven’t done your job well.
3) Don’t actually respond to what the person is saying.
Look at that point the guy is trying to make there. Isn’t it a wonderful point? It is, in fact, it might refute your case. So here’s what we’re gonna do…we’re going to pretend we don’t understand what he’s getting at, and misinterpret it so that it makes him look dumb.
If that sounds like too much work, you can always just repeat the same argument you made before. Change a word here and there, maybe add a comma, and you’re good to go. And yes, these do go to eleven, why do you ask?
4) Make several posts in a row.
So you’ve posted your glorious response, and then you realize…wait! You have something else to add! No, don’t go for that “edit” button – that would be too organized. No no no, you have to make a whole other post! Who cares if the person you’re responding to might be already working on a reply, and may miss your follow up post before he’s hit “send”?
Oh, and just for good measure, when the other person responds, don’t give him time to respond to your second post to catch up…respond IMMEDIATELY to that post he just made! That’ll show him how crafty you are!
5) Insult and attack if you must.
Uh oh! It looks like someone’s made a rational counterpoint that you can’t give a response to! We can’t have that! When desperate times call for desperate measures, you know what to do. No, I’m not talking about saying something humble like “I’ll need to do more research before I respond to that,” or “That’s an interesting point, I’ll need to consider it.” I’m talking about accusing the person of being too slow, maybe even too stupid, to get your wonderful arguments.
If the forum offers sarcastic looking smilies – use ’em! You get double points for doing so.
6) If they get upset, you must project!
Now if the other person is rational and not just crazy like you, at some point they’re going to call you out on all your shenanigans. That’s when you use your secret weapon: projection. Ask why they’re getting so upset. Accuse them of doing the same thing you’re doing (even if there’s no way to prove it), and say that it’s clear they’re getting upset because they have no real arguments. Yes, that’s right, they clearly are only upset because of how super duper awesome you are. That’s the only possible explanation.
Oh, and if a mod or admin steps in and enacts some discipline because your antics violate “forum rules” (whatever those are), accuse the website as a whole of censoring the truth! Just ignore the fact that plenty of other people are disagreeing and not being supposedly censored – clearly the only reason they’re responding to you this way is because they’re fascists.
7) If they leave – no matter why – declare victory.
If you’re still using all these tricks, at some point the other person is probably going to think you’re acting like an immature individual and cease conversation. They might tell this to you bluntly and say they don’t desire to continue conversation, or they might just flat out stop talking to you. Depending on the website, they might put you on ignore. And how should you respond? Should you repent of your deeds and seek to better yourself, so that the next conversation you have might be edifying?
Of course not! This is a victory! Go into the streets and proclaim your victory to all the world! You’ve successfully annoyed someone on the internet! But oh no wait, don’t think that. No, you won this debate because of your immense skill and the power of your arguments! Ha ha! Score one for some random guy on the internet!
Oh yeah, we suggested earlier that there might be some problems encountered with the owners of the website. If you get banned from a forum or website, just remember…it wasn’t because of your personal flaws. No, it was because of how super awesome your ability to handle adult conversations was. Clearly, these people just can’t handle the truth.
8) Don’t think this blog post is about you.
Hmmm…could this blog post be describing you? Naaaah…
So there you have it, eight helpful tips on how to be annoying in online discussions. Just follow these easy tips, and soon you’ll be having countless of people face palming themselves into oblivion and cringing at the very thought of opening their browser.