Green Dollar

The following is a satire of “Hellfire” from Disney’s version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

O human sophia
You know I am a learned man
Knowledgeable greatly of God’s word
O human sophia
I do know what the scriptures say
Unlike what’s thought by those sad Bible nerds

But tell me, sophia,
Why he makes me take a zig
Why this witchcraft makes my sins unfurled
I see him, I want him
That smug look and that powdered wig
Emboldens me to make friends with the world

This dollar, green dollar
Like fine delicacy
I forsake the scholar
And embrace relevancy

It’s not my fault
Don’t give me blame
It is society
They love to get inflamed
It’s all God’s fault!
He made the youth
To find a falsehood so much hipper
Than the truth!

O guide me, sophia,
I promise you I won’t preach hell
I’ll give lost men what they want to hear
Bring in all the cool peeps
And let my numbers start to swell
I’ll even serve communion with draft beer

Associate Pastor: “Pastor, we finished the outdoor skating rink.”

Pastor: “…what?”

Associate Pastor: “The one we were building right next to the basketball court. It’s finished.”

Pastor: “But I wanted an indoor…whatever. Get out, you idiot! I’ll just build another one! And then, I’ll buy an indoor wave machine!”

Green dollar, sweet dollar
Do not, world, my church spurn
Love me or I’ll holler
Help me a profit turn
Men are saved by the Spirit
It doesn’t depend on me
But for gain I’ll teach what lost men yearn!

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